Different people different lives

I feel tired but my thoughts can find no rest. I should be looking at job adds from NZ but while I’m doing that my thoughts wander.I think about all the things that were and the things that will not be. I have improved my running and some days I feel like that is the only thing I can control. I can’t control when I want to be happy and when I’m sad. It just happens – especially the sad part and I wonder Will I ever be really happy again? I am damaged goods like Mike said.

The other day I walked the streets and looked at and listened to all the people. Some people where laughing and kissing on the streets, eating icecream with their families or roller skating. From the open windows I could hear people practising their acting skills and people arguing. A young woman was sitting in her window smoking a cigarette. She had that sad smile on and I wondered what had happened to her. I looked at her and she gave me a smile but her eyes did not smile. I realised that I’m not the only one feeling hurt and alone but at the same time I really wanted to see the beauty in life and her smile gave me that. I just have to try a little bit harder now to see it. I haveto remember that even though we are so different and leed so different lives we still feel and those feelings have the right to be accepted and seen as something beautiful and strong because that is what brings us together. Without it we stand alone. I don’t want to stand alone.

What if?

Today is a rainy summer sunday in Denmark. The sweet scent of wet grass and leafs fills the air. The only thing to do is drink hot tea and read books, watch a dvd or let the thoughts wander.
I’ve been looking at pictures today- mostly of Reuben and me. It is hard for me to let go. When I look at the pictures I think about all the things Reuben wanted to do with his life. And all the things we wanted to do together. And all the “what if’s” pops into my mind. What if we’d stayed in New Zealand? What if we hadn’t gone to New Zealand? What if I had called him one more time that night? Could I have helped him? What if I had never met Reuben?
I don’t know the answers to all my questions but most of them. I don’t know what had happened if we’d stayed in New Zealand but I do know that it was good that we went. Reuben saw the people he truly loved and because he loved them I love them and I know that no matter what they will always be part of me. And I do know that because I met Reuben I now know what love is and no one can take that away from me. Unfortunately I also know what hate is. But I try not to let it influence me. I do know that even though I had called him one more time that night he would have said that he was alright just like the last message from him told me. He didn’t know what was going to happen so how could I? I don’t know what would have happened if we had stayed in NZ but I know that it will not help me to think about because I cannot change it.

GOD, grant me the
Serenity
to accept the things
I cannot change
Courage
to change the
things I can
and the
Wisdom
to know the difference.

Living ONE DAY AT A TIME;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardship as the
pathway to peace.

Taking, as He did, this
sinful world as it is,
not as I would have it.

We know life is hard and we see and hear it all the time. In all this we try to do good and believe in the good in people. But it is not what you are inside that defines you but your actions. But does that mean that it is also lack of action?

The good with the bad

The other day I booked my ticket for New Zealand. Different thoughts are going through my mind why I’m doing this for the 4th time in 3 years. Some days it is very clear to me why while other days I feel more insecure then ever. I’m not quite sure what I wanna achieve with this trip except I wanna give myself room to think about life and my new plans.
Damn it! Some days are just harder then others!
Today was one of those days making me feel so ambivalent about everything because we were at the rugby club and all the girls met for brunch before the game. Introducing and saying hello to the new girls. It was really good to feel like one of them but at the same time it was just different because my man is not playing out there anymore and after the game all the other girls go home with their man and I don’t. Some days it is so hard to talk about Reuben because he is not here anymore but at the same time it helps to keep his memory alive. The memory that is still so strong and around us on and off the pitch. To have and then to lose something so beautiful. It is just too hard to try and understand. So I don’t and just try and believe in love and the good that happens around us all the time.

We know and have believed the love which God has for us. God is love, and he who remains in love remains in God, and God remains in him. 4:17In this love has been made perfect among us, that we may have boldness in the day of judgment, because as he is, even so are we in this world. 4:18There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear has punishment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. 4:19We love Him, because he first loved us.

The tears we cry

Music has always helped me through the hard times, especially Dave Matthew’s songs has helped me through the last couple of months. Some of the songs make me cry while some make me smile that cheeky smile because the songs tell me the secrets that only me and my loved one shared. My tears are not for nothing and I realised that the other day when I was listening to “The space between”.
Some days when I have been feeling down I have thought that it would have been better if I could erase all my memories like they do in “Internal sunshine in a spotless mind” because the memories were hurting too much but only because I knew that I would not get to feel like that again. But when I was listening to this song I knew that all the memories were mine alone and they made me the person I am today and maybe some days I don’t like that but then I imagined going through life without no great love and I knew that I have been lucky because I know what love feels like. With all its ups and downs. And I guess we sometimes have to be sad to really feel and appreciate when we are happy.

You cannot quit me so quickly
Is no hope in you for me
No corner you could squeeze me
But I got all the time for you, love
The Space Between
The tears we cry
Is the laughter keeps us coming back for more
The Space Between
The wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep us safe from the pain

But will I hold you again?
These fickle, fuddled words confuse me
Like ‘Will it rain today?’
Waste the hours with talking, talking
These twisted game we play

We’re strange allies
With warring hearts
What wild-eyed beast you be
The Space Between
The wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep us safe from the pain

Will I hold you again?
Will I hold…

Look at us spinning out in
The madness of a roller coaster
You know you went off like a devil
In a church in the middle of a crowded room
All we can do, my love
Is hope we don’t take this ship down

The Space Between
Where you’re smiling high
Is where you’ll find me if I get tickled
The Space Between
The bullets in our firefight
Is where I’ll be hiding, waiting for you
The rain that falls
Splash in your heart
Ran like sadness down the window into…
The Space Between
Our wicked lies
Is where we hope to keep safe from pain

Take my hand
‘Cause we’re walking out of here
Oh, right out of here
Love is all we need here
The Space Between
What’s wrong and right
Is where you’ll find me hiding, waiting for you
The Space Between
Your heart and mine
Is the space we’ll fill with time
The Space Between…