I find it so hard to get out of bed in the morning. It is as if the last couple of weeks has put me right back where I was almost 8 months ago…. I don’t wanna wake up in the morning because when I sleep he is with me and the dreams are so real. It is like when you where a kid and all the dreams you had about getting all the toys or candy that you wanted but when you woke up there was just nothing. That feeling of disappoinment combined with sadness and then anger because allowing myself to have so stupid dreams knowing that my feelings are going to be chaotic the next morning…so ambivalent when I don’t miss out on the dreams but I don’t wanna feel like shit the next day either. It is all very much real to me but at the same time it feels like my life is the nightmare and my dreams should be my life.
Got to thinking today about the so called normal life and what we expect of it. If someone took a look at my life they would say that it looks normal or looks like that it is back to normal. And in someways it is. I have a job, I’m out running every second day, I go out with my friends and I have plans for the weekends. But then again it is far from normal. The job I have now is the third job I have had in 18 months but without I would worry about going crazy and not bankrupt. My running has improved more the last couple of months than it has the last two years because it makes me feel good and gives me a break from all my thoughts. Now I feel that improving my running is something I control whereas before my reason for doing it was to get fit and I hated it. What is back to normal is also my opinion on men. I have not met many men that knew how to treat a girl with respect or just normal decency but with him I forgot it all. Now it is all coming back to me and at the same time winter is getting near, the days are getting shorter and all my thoughts are focused on him, so I sleep the restless sleep. Every night I cry myself to sleep and every morning I wake up not rested and with red baggy eyes….I do my best to continue but right now it is so hard. Last year was so different and so filled with hope and love and everything was looking bright. We were just getting started with our lives together so I just don’t understand why this had to happen. How am I to move on? I ask myself these questions every day and I know there is no answers except the ones I make my self. But where am I to get the strenght to do that?