On a crispy cold and sunny 1st of February and first time listening to The one I love by David Gray I realise that I have all the reason in the world to run with my arms raised over my head and feeling pretty damn good. Five years ago it was This years love that gave me the courage to bet everything on love, four years ago it was Fix you by Coldplay that gave me the strenght to go on after loosing my love, three years ago I heard Steve Earle`s Galway Girl that gave me back faith in love and then the last two years a combination of Billy Holiday and the National has tought me to live life and not be so damned afraid of what it brings.
And now listening to The one I love I see that I have changed and grown wiser and stronger from what life has offered me. Four years ago my world fell apart, I was lost, hurt, afraid and tired, but I think I always knew I would get through it. Not everyone thought so and I admit that some days were harder then I showed, but I always knew deep down that I would get through.
Simple things like getting out of bed, pulling the curtains aside, taking a shower, reading the paper and having breakfast was the things that kept me going. Sitting infront of the computer for hours writing or just staring at the screen, trying to put words on my thoughts was therapi.
Quite fast life was back to normal, I went back to work, I saw my friends on the weekends, went on holiday and took part in family parties and the things you do when you live a normal middle class life. Only the rich ones on upper east side has the money and therefor right to be the beautiful mourning widow, like the say in that movie. So I went on living and after a while starting to enjoy life again, even though it was hard to find rest and I was still looking for something that could replace the love I had lost and it made me sad that I couldn’t find it.
Until last year in January when I sought professional help and she helped me realise that I wouldn’t find it. Because the love we had had was not meant to be replaced. Off course I knew that I guess, but I think I needed someone outside to tell me that. And slowly I learned to let go and say goodbye to the past but also the future I had imagined, and starting to dream new dreams for myself. After almost a year working with this or maybe even four years and still quite confused about my future dreams, I have found a love that gives me hope and I no longer feel restless. I have found the one I love.